They Made Tom Watch...

What’s it about?
YOU GET THE BEEEST OF BOTH WORLD… LA LA LA LA… Sorry… Umm… The film. It’s about a girl called Miley Stewart who is secretly pop star Hannah Montana. She gets a bit out of control so her dad takes her home to the deep south so she can find herself. Finding ensues, as do a few really annoying sub-plots.

Is it any good?
I have a reputation for having the cinematic and musical taste of a 9 year old girl, and thus, I quite liked it. There are a few annoying niggles, like the various extraneous sub-plots, but nothing that a good ol’ song and dance doesn’t cure. All is righted in the end after all…
It’s a charming film that does what it was designed to do and does it well. It drags a little in the first half, where the song set pieces seem to be designed for people with ADHD, but settles nicely in the final act, and delivers nicely at the end.
On a side note, someone should hunt and kill Billy Ray Cyrus.

Who is it for?
Pre teen girls. And me.

What is it like?
Hannah Montana: The Concert (though sadly I’ve not seen this… yet.)

Good Stuff
The set piece songs, the simple and effective plot.

Bad Stuff
English people, sub-plotting, Billy Ray Cyrus.

They Made Tom Watch...

Running time: Too long.

Stars: Will Ferrell, Anna Friel

What’s it about?
Will Ferrell is a ‘quantum archaeologist’ who believes in Time Warps, a sort of Bermuda triangle of intertwined alternate dimensions.

He is ridiculed by his colleagues and almost gives up his dream until a young female admirer picks him up and they test the device. Lo and behold, it works!

They spend the rest of the film wandering around the Land of the Lost looking for the device to get them home and meet various monsters and aliens, are given things to do and do them. They then return home.

Is it any good?
Absolutely not. This is, without doubt, the worst film I’ve seen since working here. Utter and unforgivable dirge. Will Ferrell’s character is so mindlessly and relentlessly stupid that we cannot sympathise with his character, or root for his character at all! This makes the fawning of the attractive and intelligent sidekick (Friel) all the more bizarre and unbelievable.
Throw in the semi-ok special effects (in an effects led film), and you’re left with a film whose climax is the lights coming up and the blessed relief that you can finally leave.
Bizarrely also, the humour is mainly (and disturbingly) sexual, leaving it horrendously inappropriate for its target audience.

Who is it for?
Will Ferrell fans (a synonym for idiots). Tiny children.

What is it like?
Stepping in dog poo.

Good Stuff: It ends.

Bad Stuff: It begins.

They Made Tom Watch... 11

What’s it about?
Miss Fritton and her girls at St Trinians are back once again this time on a mysterious adventure in the search for Fritton’s gold.
David Tennant aka Dr Who aka Barty Crouch Jr. plays the baddie in this off beat school comedy. He tries to stop those mis matched, down right naughty little school girls who should all see me for detention! Oops, lost myself then…. Yeah that’s about it really.


What did I think of it?
It’s silly, sillier than the first one. So that makes this shit. For starters and I will warn you as I am about to spoil the end. Apparently Fritton’s gold is a book written by William Shakespeare who in fact was actually a woman?! Need I say more? This film is absolutely shocking. Colin Firth should never be allowed to act again, along with David Tennant, Although I am pretty sure this is the only work Rupert Everett can get now so that’s fine. Just admire all the sexy schoolgirls especially Gemma Arterton. Wow I wish she went to my school.


Who is it for?
Adolescent boys and children, although the thought of them in the same place is kind of wrong.


What is it like?
St Trinians meets Grange Hill.


Good Stuff: The Dads can enjoy the schoolgirls when they take their children to watch it.


Bad Stuff: THE FIRST 105 MINUTES OF THE FILM (except the schoolgirls).

They Made Tom Watch... 10

What’s it about?
A new high-tech weapon has been developed by the evil Scottish (by the way of Hackney) Ecclestone. It falls into the wrong hands and it’s down to GI JOE to set the world to rights. Cue explosions.

Is it any good?
Funsplosive! This film had about 10 hours of fun jam packed into 2 hours. It’s like a jam doughnut that has too much jam in it. You appreciate that the makers were just thinking of you, because you love jam, but it hasn’t come out quite right. You kinda like dough too, and oops! There you go, jam on your trousers.
The jam, in this overdrawn metaphor, is the crazed high-paced action, that really doesn’t let up from after the small bit of exposition at the start. You get frenetic bursts of action (with the obligatory ear-destroying explosions) followed by a tiny amount of downtime that develops the ‘plot’ and the ‘characters’. These two elements are so thin, that our doughnut may as well be a jam jar made of paper.
But when you buy jam, you don’t care about the jar. So enjoy the sticky comfiture while it lasts, you don’t get many movies this self-aware.

Who is it for?
Doughnut fans? I’m not sure what I’m talking about anymore.

What is it like?
It’s like The Rock or Die Hard 4, but without the plot or characterisation.

Good Stuff: Brendan Fraser cameo. Explosions. Frenchspolsion (sacre-bleu!).

Bad Stuff: Lack of doughnuts. Lack of credible plot, script, characters, actors.

They Made Tom Watch... 9

Stars: Any significant British actor you care to name, Except Bill Nighy.

What’s it about?
Harry Potter, The Chosen One, boy wizard, fresh from his adventures fighting Voldemort at the Ministry of Magic in the last instalment, is back for another adventure. Another year at Hogwarts brings more troubles (and not just with evil wizards) as the girls and boys of the school grow and develop.
We follow Potter and co throughout the year as they try to deal with dark wizardry and puberty. Both equally dangerous foes.

Is it any good?
Oh my sweet lord yes. It is my film of the year so far. A film so close to perfect, it defies sufficient description. Every note of the film, from the trials that face Harry to the relationships between even the supporting characters, is given the exact right amount of screen time.
There are an immense amount of subplots to work in, and all superfluous ones have been cut, and rightly so. Every scene feels worthwhile and essential.

On the let down side, it is all forgivable. Some of the acting is still a little stale and stilted, but understandable, as many of the stars are still very young. The only other fault I can find is with the ending. The film has the potential to be the Empire Strikes Back of Harry Potter, and comes very close to doing so, but shirks away at the last moment. You’ll see what I mean. I think.

Who is it for?
Quite literally everyone, ever.

What is it like?
Harry Potter 1-5, Bridge to Terabithia (in its treatment of teenage relationships)

Good Stuff: Plot, characters, effects, script, acting, Emma Watson, the whole shebang.

Bad Stuff: A little of the acting, very little. And the ending. But even that’s not bad, just not as good as the rest.

They Made Tom Watch... 8

Genre: Action BOOM SPLODEY!

Director: Michael ‘KABOOM’ Bay

Stars: Megan Fox, Megan Fox, Megan Fox, Megan Fox, Robots

What’s it about?
KABOOM! SPLODE! BOOM! KAPOW
Robots continue their war, with much ensuing explodiness… The Autobots under the awesomely cool Optimus Prime hunt the last of the Decepticons, who are looking for some ancient evil guy who…
Who am I kidding, this film didn’t really make any sense despite trying incredibly hard. Stuff about Energon, old transformers, big guns, etc etc.

Is it any good?
Yes, and no. I really, really wanted to like this film and I did like 90 minutes of it. First off, it’s an hour too long, bloated with crap exposition about its over-complex plot. There’s a sequence in the desert loaded with terrible dialogue delivered by an annoyingly ill-thought through geriatric transformer, that just doesn’t need to be there.
Another complaint is about the achingly terrible ‘twins’ who were apparently the brain-child of the director. For this alone, Bay can go to hell. They are horrendously unfunny jive-talking stereotypes who do nothing but annoy.
On the plus side… It has Megan Fox in it. Another of its excellent features is the actress, Megan Fox. It also benefits from the appearance of the talented Megan Fox.
The performances are fine, the battle sequences are stunning, and just enough to lift the film from utter, forgettable shitness.

Who is it for?
Everyone.

What is it like?
Transformers 1, but slower… much slower.

Good Stuff: Fighting robots. “ROLL OUT!”. Megan Fox. Megan Fox. Megan Fox. Megan Fox. BOOM SPLOSIONS!

Bad Stuff: Pace, characters, plot.

They Made Tom Watch... 7

Director: The Something Brothers

What’s it about?
Vampires are the prevalent species in the world, and the humans are dying out. With them goes the food supply.

Vampire-with-a-conscience Ethan Hawke is trying to find a synthetic blood recipe to solve the crisis, while not drinking human blood. He finds some humans and joins them, for some reason, and then gets into various scrapes looking for a cure…
Ethan Hawke’s brother is after them, and eventually, via a holocaust metaphor, the goodies win. Don’t ask me how or why, because I didn’t care.

What did I think of it?
I thought that it was shit.

It was another case of a good concept being ruined by terrible execution. Not only didn’t it look very good, it was marred by THE WORST PERFORMANCES EVER. Sam Niell! Willem Defoe! Bad performances!

I can only assume that the directors were actually, literally, bananas sitting on chairs. They actually, somehow, retard the actors ability. Part of this of course is down to the exceptionally shitting awful script. I would repeat some choice lines here, but I don’t want to. Go see it if you don’t believe me.

But of course you shouldn’t see it. Because it’s shit.

Who is it for?
I honestly don’t know.

What is it like?
The Matrix meets Underworld, seen through the eyes of bananapeople.

Good Stuff: Increased profile for bananas. Tasty, but can’t direct films for shit.

Bad Stuff: See above

They Made Tom Watch 6

Genre: Umm… uh….

What’s it about?
Umm…

Well… there’s this box. And…

Uhh…

Some things happen… That’s about it really. I think.

What did I think of it?
Hmm…

Uhh…

Well…

I…

Hmm…

Umm…

I don’t really know…

Who is it for?
Uhh…

What is it like?
Umm…

Good Stuff: Well…

Bad Stuff: Hmm…

They Made Tom Watch 5

Dir: Sam Raimi

Cast: Alison Lohman, Jason Long, Scary Gypsy Woman

What’s it about?
Alison Lohman is an ambitious bank worker who fails in her basic responsibilities to respect the elderly. She is hence cursed by an old woman and spends the next 3 days trying to rid herself of the curse while being scared. A lot.

Is it any good?
AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!

THE HORROR! THE HORROR!!!

MY EYYYYYYYYYEEEEESSSSSSSSSS!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I’m not sure I’m really qualified to answer this, as I spent most of the film curled up in terror…

Good Stuff
THE HORROR! And the cat poster.

Bad Stuff
The fact that I now have to sleep with the light on.


Tom's a pussy, here's a horror fan's review.

They Made Tom Watch... 4

What’s it about?
Alien planet much like earth (but with green people and currently experiencing the 1950s) receives an unwelcome visitor in the guise of arrogant astronaut Chuck Baker. A hawkish alien general seeks to lockdown the spacecraft and find the human (or alien, or whatever), who has found sanctuary with nice alien Justin Long. They rattle around the alien community and eventually get Chuck back to his ship. He blasts off.

What did I think of it?
Utter dirge. Complete and utter patronising, self-satisfied crap. Sometimes, with these hastily pulled-together animated comedies, you get the idea that the makers really knew they were making something shit just for the money (Space Chimps). But the idea we get here is of a self-indulgent smugfest of a team who genuinely believe they’ve put together something worthwhile, and yet they’re so wrong. The voice talent is utterly irrelevant to the entire film, which is a waste of a great cast. The comedy is practically non-existent and seemingly held together with a variety of really outdated and over done jokes.
The worst thing however is how hideously patronising and ‘messagey’ this damned piece of crap is. Everyone has to ‘learn something’ and it’s all about how everyone is an alien to someone else. Or some crap like that.

Who is it for?
The deaf, blind and mute among us.

What is it like?
Space Chimps meets Gandhi.

Good Stuff:...

Bad Stuff: It.

They Made Tom Watch... 3

What’s it about?
Chipmunks that sing. Sorry, I needed the space for below.

What did I think of it?
While watching this, I had so much time on my hands from trying to not watch it, I tried to think of metaphors I could use in this review, to let you know, in customarily hilarious style, how terrible it was.

Unfortunately, the only one I can remember is comparing it to Hitler’s blitzkrieg tactics at the beginning of the Second World War, as the movie continuously, relentlessly and mercilessly assaulted my senses with the tanks of high octave pop, while dive-bombing me with the Luftwaffe of incongruous plot points, all followed by the infantry of awful acting.

I’ve said it a lot about other films, but this film is utter shit. As a point of comparison, I’d rather watch Night at the Museum 2 AND Planet 51 BACK TO BACK than have to watch this again.
Specifically, what was wrong with it, I hear you ask. This film is meant to be funny. I think. But it misses me on all levels. I know the film isn’t for me, and hyperactive 7 year olds will probably love it… but I really wish they wouldn’t! It’s bad! It’s bad for them, and what’s bad for them is bad for society! Who wrote this? Who thought they were doing something good? Something productive? Why would they do this? I can only assume that they’re adults because I doubt that even the people that commissioned this shit would take a script from a 9 year old. It’s NOT FUNNY. Even the 2 jokes aimed at the adults are really, awfully unfunny and dated. They’re aimed at my parent’s generation. One is a Silence of the Lambs joke! A SILENCE OF THE LAMBS JOKE! A SILENCE OF THE LAMBS JOKE! My mind has started to dribble out of my ears attempting to intellectualise this movie. Piece of shit.

Who is it for?
Literally no one.

What is it like?
Having your mind tenderised while listening to a tuning fork.

Good Stuff
Jason Lee is in this movie! Granted not for long, but still. I feel very sorry for him. Though I suppose it is his fault.

Bad Stuff
Do I even need to fwrite anything here? I need a lobotomy after watching this. Piece of shit.

They Made Tom Watch... 2

My younger brother Tom is a projectionist at a multiplex, and part of his job is to screen new films before release, to check the prints. He also has to write a report on each film for the staff. So, each Tuesday, we're going to share with you his thoughts on what

They Made Tom Watch
This week...



Genre: British Gangster

What’s it about?
Given that I only really understood about 10% of the dialogue, I’m not entirely sure. I think someone owed someone else some money, and for some reason, was not allowed a reasonable payment plan, nor ever offered any interest rate. So he has to get it. Oh, and some other people don’t like him. I think. Or they liked him a lot, and had a funny way of showing it.

What did I think of it?
Yo yo… I’ll make this review into a dope rap hit,
What do I have to say about this movie? It was shit.
I can’t understand any of the dialogue,
Most of the acting is wooden as a log,
Of all the things wrong with this there is a catalogue,
I’d rather sit for 2 hours on the bog.
So, to wrap it up in a nutshell,
Sitting through this film was utter hell.

I just don’t get it! I don’t understand what there is to like about this film. Our ‘hero’ is a complete twat, utterly unsympathetic, and what he does is annoying, illegal and reprehensible! For me, this isn’t the makings of a gripping or fun time. But maybe I’m just getting old.

Who is it for?
Chavs, wannabe gangsters, scary drug-dealing types.

What is it like?
The criminal side of The Wire, but devoid of any talent in any facet of it.

Good Stuff: My review. Yo.

Bad Stuff: Once again, all of it. Why are there so many bad films? Who lets people make them? Who goes to see them? I DON’T UNDERSTAND!

They Made Tom Watch...

Tom is my little brother (he's 24 and a shade over 6 foot tall, but he's my little brother). He works as a projectionist at a London cinema, and part of his job is to check the prints of new films before they screen to the public. After this he's asked to write a short review for the information of the staff.

When he sent me a few samples of these thoughts I laughed like a drain, so each week we're going to tell you what THEY MADE TOM WATCH

This week



What’s it about?
The improbably ugly Sarah Jessica Parker and Hugh Grant’s relationship is on the rocks (probably because she looks like a horse, and he’s not hideously unattractive). Then they witness a murder, and see the murderer’s face. Then Sergeant Carver from The Wire turns up in a really terribly awful turn. Then these two city slickers go off to the countryside and enjoy some fish-out-of-water comedy.

What did I think of it?
This film, in its unalterable dullness, has left my mind blank. It’s not so bad that I can tear it a new hole, nor is it any good. It is utterly without merit. It almost defies metaphor.
I said almost. It’s like porridge, or Weetabix, but without that vital injection of sugar or jam you lump on yourself [really it’s more like porridge, because at least Weetabix has the advantage of excellent portion control, which really is a boon. You see I have a portion control issue when it comes to breakfast (and most other meals for that matter) where I dramatically overpour vast amounts of cereal into my bowl, so that breakfast costs me £1.50 a morning, whereas Weetabix allowed me to take 2 a day (3 if my girlfriend wasn’t watching) and know I wasn’t ripping myself off. Which was nice.] And so you munch through the uninspiring mulch, knowing that it contains just the right amount of nutrition to keep you ticking over, but never offering any sort of taste explosion in the vein of Jordan’s Country Crisp [my new cereal of choice. To be enjoyed in a 1:2 mix with Bran Flakes (because she’s mental for bran) so that it reaches the level of an acceptably undisgustingly-sugary breakfast]

It must also be said that SJP is really, very ugly.



Who is it For?
Vapid couples so lost in their relationship they want a break from the awkward silence of their lives.

What is it like?
The Proposal.

Good Stuff
It isn’t shit.

Bad Stuff
Nor is it any good.
SJP’s horse-face.